02/08/2025 - HTML day
about autism
how Kurosawa made me feel vindicative about being on the spectrum
years ago, the head shrink of a hospital told me i was on the spectrum and i spent the next five years casually ignoring it, not thinking i was autistic enough to actually reclaim the diagnosis.
the thing is, autistic people are like stand users in jojo: they attract each other.
so i ended up with two exes on the spectrum and half of my friends being autistic, all of them side-eyeing me and telling me to take myself into account. you know, you get used to shrinkinng yourself into a convenient little ball. i've done that with my chronic illnesses (the mental struggles), what kept me from doing the same with autism ?
but more and more people told me "hey, are you sure you're not on the spectrum?" and i would skidaddle. but then i decided to be good to myself and a) first accept that my mental illnesses were parts of me that i should care for ; and b) accept that i was neurodivergent.
i think i've evolved a lot over the course of a couple years. i take the time to take care of myself, i tell other people about my limits, i allow myself to take more space in the world.
ANYWAY. Kurosawa i went to the movies with my best friend yesterday, celebrating the 30th anniversary of the movie theater we usually go to. they were showing the remastered version of high and low by Kurosawa and the host told us more about his direction. Kurosawa is a guy who explains every single thing that's gonna happen in his movie, and then proceeds to do just that. people would voice aloud their intents and plans, and then act on their words. it was so refreshing and exciting to see how his story would unfurl.
i saw the movie and i told my best friend how autistic it was, to voice aloud what you truly felt, and acted upon these feelings. it was very honest, very restful, for a movie about a kidnapping, and emotional turmoil. i will definitely watch more of his art.
28/07/2025
cw suicide || as time passes, i'm questioning more and more if there's an ethical way to engage with kpop.
i've been a kpop enthusiast since 2018, been listening to a wide array of groups from various companies, sizes, concepts. i was at a huge kpop concert the other day and i couldn't help but think that most fans around me didn't engage critically with the genre. i don't know how to properly explain it, and i don't want to sound like i'm a better stan than others; i'm not. but i was at this concert, and i was in this crowd, in this huge stadium, and i couldn't help but think the place was too big to properly enjoy them. i could barely see them from my spot (and it was a good one), having to rely on the screens.
this is not what i want. i can see them on my phone screen at all times. i wished i could've seen them from closer.
and even if there were a lot of people screaming for the songs themselves, the choreographies, the concert itself, i could see other people around me who were there for fanservice, for something that would fuel their stanning - some for the members themselves, other for ships. i'm used to kpop concert crowds now, but i realized i was uncomfortable with the way girls were reacting to interactions between members. and it's unfair, because i've been there. hell, i'm still there, but there's a way in their behavior that ticked me off.
it's a pattern i've come to realize: mostly cis girls shipping people - good for them - but without taking the necessary distance to accept that their headcanon simply is a headcanon. fiction is fun, playing with reality often is life-saving, but i have no patience left for people deciding that their perception of reality is reality.
i'm bound to operate on the fringe of what is socialy acceptable. hell. my gender identity already puts me aside. the thing is that i can distinguish fiction from realilty.
i don't wanna say i'm a better person than them, when i saw wonho live a few years ago, i had to crouch for a second and bark because i couldn't process him being cute and hot back to back. i'm just a pawn in the machine haha.
the thing is, i'm growing older, more critical of a bone-crushing industry. i spent over a year boycotting hybe groups because of scooter braun's involvment, i've seen the loona girlies fight against blockberry creative and how their fight still isn't over. well. the thing is: this industry destroys artists, brings them to an edge some fall from. Jonghyun, Sulli, Moobin, blood on the industry's hands. i will never forget how no one during the MMA and MAMA celebrations honored Moonbin's passing, and it had to be Seungkwan to speak up about this great loss during Seventeen's acceptance speech.
i'm talking about an industry that starves artists, an industry that grinds people until there's nothing but a shell of them.
i keep thinking about bts wanting to take their hiatus in 2020, releasing a song about the loss of passion as their last title track; only to hang out with us for two more years so we wouldn't be left alone during the pandemic. thinking about how they told us during their festa live that they didn't have anything left to say as a group and how they still released hollow pop hits in english to cater to a market that doesn't want them, for a grammy they might never get. thinking about how choked-up Namjoon was to admit the pressure on his shoulders, the exhaustion.
i'm talking about an industry where the fifty-fifty members were physically ill and in danger because of their company, about executives and fans who demand two to three comebacks a year. this cannot be extracted from capitalism. kpop is a product to sell, and the well-being of the artists comes second. we're talking about not enough sleep, water, food. no time to let creativity grow. you gotta produce, produce, produce and deliver even at the cost of your health.
so, now, i'm wondering, can i still engage critically with kpop even though it makes me a cog in a machine that grinds artists into a pulp? i'm not so sure.
24/07/2025
i started a new job three weeks ago. it's my first full-time job since 2020. i'm — of course — terrified that it won't work out. after all, just a few months ago, i was going through a mixed episode.
i've been following a strict life schedule, falling asleep at 9.30pm almost every day because i'm exhausted and i don't wanna risk triggering a new episode.
i have to trust the idea that i'll be stable for a longer while this time, that these three years of hospitals and residencies have meaning, that next time i relapse, it won't be as bad.
i was rereading old diary entries and it's wild to me that i used to think my hypomaniac episodes were me being normal haha. life has been better. the idea that i won't be in financial insecurity anymore is wild to me. i simply need to get used to working full time. i'll do things again at some point.
plus, my physical therapist reminded me that i had surgery a couple months ago and that my body would be recovering for a longer while, that my exhaustion was normal and that i was doing good.
i hope things will work out.
